A report card for the Grand Coalition

This is an end-of-year report card for the grand coalition. I suggest we grade it on two things; effort and achievement. Overall, the government gets a “D-plus” for effort and an “E” for achievement.

I have two reasons for this modest grade. One, this government is built on a lie. What the two principals shared was positions, not power.

In fact, the 50:50 power deal was a fat lie. It did not happen, it will not happen! On this account, Mr Raila Odinga was cheated yet again. The record must reflect that President Kibaki has never won a straight election.

In 2002, he defrauded Mr Odinga through the MoU. In 2007, they had to swear him in at night. And this deceit continues to unfold in the coalition. Although ODM is in ‘power’, all they have is an illusion of power.

The result is political impotence: they want to act, but they cannot! But my second reason is more tragic.

In this coalition, the president has behaved like the proverbial ‘dog in a manger’.

This dog did not eat grass, but it guarded the manger to ensure that the cows did not eat either. Its point? If it cannot have the grass, no one has a right to eat it.

And this is President Kibaki’s approach to power. He is not interested in it, but he will not allow anyone else to have it. The result of this is paralysis in the running of Government.

This is why I give the coalition an “E” on achievement. Similarly, and on this account, I suggest we give the president a “D minus” for effort and a “C plus” for performance. And this is because, instead of giving us ‘cruel rule’ he has given us ‘no rule’.

Let us grade the other members of the ‘matatu’ presidency now. Regarding the Prime Minister Raila Odinga, I submit that he has done his best. And for this, I give him a straight “A” for effort.

However, and because he is powerless, I give him a “C plus” on performance. But I have another reason for this and I want to give it by way of a story.

A French entomologist took a caterpillar and placed it on the rim of a flower pot. Inside the pot, he placed the caterpillar’s favourite food — pine needles.

The caterpillar began to crawl around the rim of the pot, smelling the food and desperately wanting to get closer. According to the scientist, the caterpillar crawled around the rim for seven days and nights without being able to reach the food.

Having failed, but still attempting to, the caterpillar died of starvation. Each time the caterpillar went round the rim, it counted that as an achievement and saw itself getting closer to the food. It could not distinguish activity from achievement.

And this is Mr Odinga’s problem. Like the caterpillar, he is busy at work alright. However, and because he is ‘powerless’, we must not confuse his activities with achievement

As for the vice-president, Mr Kalonzo Musyoka, we do not know what he does. As such, we cannot grade him. But we must also tell him the following: “…the best calculation is the absence of calculation” The fact that he is vague and ungradable is politically strategic.

And the strategy here is simple: they must never see you coming! The Deputy Prime Ministers, Mr Uhuru Kenyatta and Mr Musalia Mudavadi should be graded together.

For effort, I give them an “E minus” and for performance, I give them an “E minus” too. The two have potential, but they lack in guts and creativity. In fact, they are condemned to the ‘curse of permanent potential’.

In this curse, a story is told of a man who was very cautious. He never laughed or played. He never risked or dared. And when he passed away, his insurance was denied.

The argument was that he never really lived, and so how could he have died? This is the story of the two guys.

Regarding the other ministers, I suggest we put them in two lists. The first comprises of the performers, the other is made up of the goofers.

From the first list, Mr John Michuki gets an unqualified “A” for effort and an “A plus” for performance. This mzee is a serious Kenyan and ‘hats –off’ to him! Mr William Ruto and Ms Martha Karua get an “A” for their diligence in ministerial duties.

However, they get a “B minus” for their politics. And I am compelled into this grade by Napoleon Bonaparte. According to this strategist “ …in order to have ultimate victory, one must be ruthless”.

But one must temper their ruthlessness with a streak of charm. That is why Napoleon adds that “…a good king must wear a velvet glove behind his iron fist”. And this is what is lacking in the ruthless politics of Mr Ruto and Ms Karua.

This Christmas, I suggest that they acquire a pair of velvet gloves to cover their bare knuckles. The second list has Mr Makwere who gets a straight “F”.

Similarly, Mr Otieno Kajwang gets an “F” for playfulness. If I was a school teacher, I would recommend the expulsion of Mr Makwere and order Mr Kajwang to bring his mother to school the next term!

And now a Christmas message to our greedy MPs. As you enjoy your untaxed Sh800,000 this Christmas, I want to leave you with the words of Okot p’Bitek in “Song of an African Woman”.

“ …I do not ask for money, although I have need for it. I do not ask for meat, although I could do with some. I have only one request. And all I ask is that you remove the road block from my path!”

This Christmas we do not need your money and gifts. All we ask is for you to remove the obstacles you have set on our path! Is this too much to ask?

By MUTAHI NGUNYIPosted Saturday, December 20 2008 at 17:50